Hello World: A Manifesto for Scaldipedia
By Dr. Scaldy Pumpkin, Founder, Chief Disambiguator, and Reluctant Archivist
Welcome, wayward scholar, to Scaldipedia — the free encyclopedia that nobody asked for, yet everyone somehow deserves. If you’ve found your way here, it means you’ve either typed “Scaldy” into a search bar, confused Wikipedia with a weathered pub noticeboard, or simply followed the faint odour of existential damp. Whatever the route, you are now part of something larger — or at least wetter — than yourself.
What is Scaldipedia?
Scaldipedia is the world’s first para-academic, post-factual, and meta-Scaldological repository of collective confusion. It is a living archive of dubious truths, partially remembered EU directives, regional legends from Offaly to Örebro, and the entire oral history of the Irish bogman diaspora. Think of it as the Dead Sea Scrolls, but laminated, badly cited, and updated by people on their lunch breaks.
Unlike traditional encyclopedias, which cling to the delusion of objectivity, Scaldipedia proudly admits its biases:
- towards warm liquids (especially scalds, broths, and teas);
- towards forgotten bureaucracies (such as the European Coal and Steel Community and the former Swedish Board of Lint and Felt);
- and towards truths that smell faintly of peat.
Our Founding Principles
- Citation Needed, Always.
Every fact on Scaldipedia must be supported by at least one unverifiable source — ideally your uncle, an RTÉ broadcast from the 1980s, or a misprinted EU white paper. - Neutral Point of Disgrace.
Unlike Wikipedia’s neutral point of view, we embrace the dignity of error. Scaldipedia recognises that history is written not by the victors, but by the undercaffeinated. - All Knowledge is Local.
If it didn’t happen within 30km of Limerick Junction or Svampen in Örebro, it probably didn’t matter. Or worse, it was continental. - The Right to Be Confused.
Every reader is entitled to a minimum of three contradictory definitions per article. This ensures dialectical enrichment and mild migraines.
What You’ll Find Here
- Articles on the origins of bog butter NFTs, the 1993 Scaldinavian Treaty of Moisture, and the legal status of a “semi-sentient badger.”
- Biographies of important figures like Hugo Leyden, Mårten of the Midlands, and Scanlon the Lesser (Fine Gael).
- Primary sources, including illegible pub napkins and declassified correspondence from the Committee for Standardising Teabags (CST 812/93/EEC).
- Audio-visual supplements, like a 480p documentary on “The Lads Who Invented Steam,” narrated by Marty Whelan.
A Note on Accuracy
Scaldipedia operates under the Pisstake Doctrine of international relations: we promise to be “approximately right, in a spiritually accurate sense.” If you find an error, please log in and make it worse. Improvement through deterioration is the cornerstone of our epistemology.
How to Contribute
Simply click “Edit,” then stare at the blinking cursor until you remember a story your grandfather told about an EU-funded sausage factory that exploded in 1997. Type that. Congratulations — you’re now a Scaldipedian.
The Future of Scaldipedia
In the coming months, we’ll be launching:
The Scaldipedia Fellowship, awarding annual grants to researchers who can prove the existence of Hugoslaviabeyond anecdote.
Scaldipedia Commons, a shared repository of questionable maps and forbidden PowerPoints.
Wikiscold, our cross-reference platform for heated debates and mild burns.